Status And Honour Of Mother In Islam

In Islam, the status, honor, respect and esteem attached to motherhood is unparalleled. Noble Qur'an places the importance of kindness to parents as second only to worshipping Allah (SWT)

Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, And that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, Say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they cherished me in childhood. (Noble Qur'an, 17:23-24)

One of the most convincing things about the religion Islam is the treatment of women in general and particular the high position and honor of mothers.

Noble Qur'an in several other places puts special emphasis on the mother's great role in giving birth and nursing: "And We have enjoined on man to be good to his parents: In travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in two years was his weaning. Show gratitude to Me and to your parents." (Noble Qur'an, 31:14) 

"We have enjoined on the human being kindness to his parents; in pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth." (Noble Qur'an, 46:15)

The very special place of mothers in Islam has been eloquently described by Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw): "Jannah lies at the feet of your mother's"

"A man asked Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw): 'Whom should I honor most?' Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) replied: 'Your mother'. 'And who comes next?' asked the man. Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) replied: 'Your mother'. 'And who comes next?' asked the man. Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) replied: 'Your mother!'. 'And who comes next?' asked the man. Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) replied: 'Your father'" (Bukhari and Muslim)

A person came to Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) and said: 'O' Prophet of Allah! I have committed every known evil act. Is there a chance that I may be forgiven?' Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) asked him: 'Are any of your parents still alive?' The man replied: 'My father.' He said to him: 'Go and be good and kind to him.' When he left, Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: 'If only his mother had been alive.'" (Biharul Anwar)

Among the few precepts of Islam which Muslims still faithfully observe to the present day is the considerate treatment of mothers. The honor that Muslim mothers receive from their sons and daughters is exemplary. The intensely warm relations between Muslim mothers and their children and the deep respect with which Muslim men approach their mothers usually amaze Westerners.

Famous companion of Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) or Sahabi-e-Rasool and a great scholar of Islam, Abdullah ibn Abbas (ra), considered kind treatment of one's mother to be the best deed for strengthening or rectifying one's relation with God Almighty. He said: I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah (SWT) than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother.

Imam Zayn al-Abidin (ra) used to treat his mother with so much kindness and love as seen in the following narration:

Once he was asked, "You are the most kind person to your mother, yet we have never seen you eating with her from a single dish/plate." Imam Zayn al-Abidin (ra) replied, "I fear that my hand would take what her eyes have already seen in the dish/plate and then I would be disobeying her."

In other words, he, Imam Zayn al-Abidin (ra)was so careful not to disobey his mother that he would even avoid eating out of the same plate as her; He thought that she would see a morsel and intend to take it, but before she did he might unknowingly take that same morsel and eat it. This is how careful he was to obey his mother in the most minute details.

All that has preceded above shows how the status of mothers and consequently that of women - is elevated to the highest position in Islam.

Polygamy Survival Guide - A Co-wife’s Experience

Focus on your relationship with your husband as a single entity, disconnected from his other marriage.

Polygamy is often seen as the end of a happy marriage, but it need not be that at all. Take it from me, I’m a happily married first wife and I’m friend with my co-wife, Masha’ Allah; in fact she’s sitting in the same room while I’m typing this. Polygamy can work if the husband and both or all wives go about it in the right way.

I have heard many horror stories about polygamy gone very wrong, and in all those cases, at least one person in the marriage was not following the Qur’an and Sunnah, usually the husband. Polygamy requires us to adhere to everything that Allah has taught us about marriage, and to follow the example of Muhammad and his wives.

This is the foundation upon which any marriage, monogamous or polygamous, is built, but with polygamy, it’s even more critical. Without this foundation, it isn’t going to succeed. While polygamy is frequently seen as benefiting the husband to the detriment of the wives, the reality is that it’s far more difficult for the husband. He has to not only fulfill the rights of both wives and support both families financially and emotionally, he has to juggle his time between them, settle any disputes and difficulties that arise, and all the while ensure that he’s being just and fair.

The penalty for him failing to treat his wives equally is being raised up on the day of Judgment with half

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 his body paralyzed. The Qur’an strongly warns men that if they can’t be just between their wives, they are truly better off with only one. For men that take Islam seriously, polygamy is a huge and weighty responsibility and it’s an arduous task to get it right.

Meanwhile, each wife has no more responsibility than a monogamously married wife, and in some cases (e.g. where the wives choose to share accommodation) they can end up with a lot less responsibility than monogamous wives, as they share the running of the household and help each other out with the children.  

Sharing love

One of the biggest fears women have of polygamy comes from a misunderstanding about the nature of love. Love is seen as something finite which has to be shared between people, so if a man takes a second wife, it’s assumed that he must love his first wife less because of it. The truth is that love is infinite and does not need to be shared between people. Just as when a mother has a second child she still loves her first child as much as ever, when a man takes a second wife he still loves his first wife just as much.

Good Muslim men who choose polygamy do so because they truly want to love and protect two or more women. If he really didn’t love the first, divorcing her then remarrying is a much easier option for him both financially and emotionally than having two wives.  

Sharing time

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What you share in polygamy is your husband’s time. Whether spending less time with your husband is a goodthing or a bad thing depends on your outlook. Of course, it’s natural to want to spend plenty of time with people you love, but we also need time for ourselves.

On the days when he’s with his other wife, there is no benefit in sitting around missing him. Instead, treat it as a time for you, and a chance to enjoy things that married women find it hard to make time for.

On your nights with him, you have a husband to share your bed with; on the other nights you get the whole bed to yourself and can snuggle up with a good book and have some “me time”. Plan your evenings when you’re not with him to do things that you enjoy, so you look forward to your evenings without him as much as your evenings with him.  

Co-wife rivalry

Try not to see your co-wife as a rival. Instead, try to focus on strengthening your relationship with your husband. If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, then it’s only natural that you’d see the other wife as a threat. If you are sure of your relationship with your husband, then ask yourself why you feel threatened, and remind yourself of what you have.

If your husband is going to love you and stand by you no matter what, then what can she take from you? A useful piece of advice I heard from a brother is “the insecurity of the first wife is that the second wife is her replacement and he doesn’t love her any more. The insecurity of the second wife is that the first wife is his first love and he’ll never love her as much as he loves his first.” This reminds us that the other wife has her own doubts, and to see clearly what we have instead. Look at why your husband loves you and try not to dwell on what he may or may not feel about her.  

No love triangles in Islam

Focus on your relationship with your husband as a single entity, disconnected from his other marriage. Islamic polygamy is not a triangular relationship; his marriage with you and his marriage with your co-wife are two separate relationships. You are not obliged to have anything to do with your co-wife, but if the two of you choose to be friends, then that’s a third and discrete relationship. This means when you’re with him, the two of you need to act like the other wife doesn’t exist.

Enjoy your time with your husband and do all the same things a monogamous couple would do together. If you are friends with your co-wife, don’t discuss your husband when you’re together, and spend time with her when he’s not around. 

Tackling jealousy

Jealousy is best tackled by focusing on what you have. “Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own,” (anon). If you feel jealous about anything, ask yourself if it’s over something that you really want, or whether you desire it simply because your co-wife has it. If it’s the latter, then try to forget about it and remind yourself that you don’t actually want it. If it’s something you really want, then focus on how you can get it for yourself because you would like it, not because she has it. If it’s the relationship you’re jealous of, concentrate on building your own relationship with your husband as though she’s not in the picture.

If you feel that he loves her more than you, then maybe he isn’t giving you enough attention or affection, and frame this as a problem in your own relationship that you need to talk to him about and resolve, rather than as a problem with your co-wife. These things won’t eliminate jealousy altogether, but they should minimize it. Remember that even ‘A’isha had times when she was jealous of Muhammad’s other wives, and even broke a plate because of it.  

When things go wrong

If your husband is not dividing up his time fairly, or not fulfilling your rights in Islam then he is the guilty party so don’t blame your co-wife for this. This applies whether it’s something minor or very serious. Speak to him about the problem and tell him how you feel.

If he’s a good husband, he’ll do something to rectify the situation. If he doesn’t and you’re having significant problems in your marriage because of it, then you need to go about dealing with it in the same way you would if you were monogamously married.

Marriages fail either because one partner is not fulfilling the rights of the other (or worse, abusing the other), or because the two partners are not compatible. This is the same in monogamy and polygamy. Relationships fail sometimes in spite of one or both partners putting in their best efforts, and that’s why divorce is halal.

Sometimes men try to fix a failing monogamous marriage by taking a second wife – in my opinion this is like trying to put out a fire in the living room by starting another fire in the kitchen. Other men want all the benefits of polygamy but refuse to accept any of the responsibility and end up treating their wives very badly. There are some situations where staying in a marriage is not in anyone’s best interests. If you find yourself in such a situation, then you do need to know when to call it a day.

An important thing to remember is not to blame polygamy itself for the marriage failure. The failure is due to incompatibility, or one partner systematically failing to fulfill their responsibilities to the other. Polygamy, when done according to the Qur’an and Sunnah can work and indeed be beneficial to the wives, and it’s my opinion that it doesn’t need to be feared.

We should fear Allah, and be good spouses to each other. We should remember to show our husbands our appreciation of them and all that they do for us, and they need to do the same for us. This is the key to a happy marriage, whether polygamous or monogamous. Insha Allah, by following the advice above, this happiness can be maintained in a polygamous marriage, despite the specific challenges this type of relationship may bring.

Cherish Your Wife the Prophet’s Way (10+ Hadiths)

In Islam, the relationship between husband and wife is a strong bond to be nurtured with kindness, love and mercy. It is so significant that Allah Almighty mentions it in the Qur’an as one of His great signs in the world:

{And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought} (Ar-Rum 30:21)

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) is the role model for every Muslim in all aspects of life. When you read about the Prophet’s treatment of his wives, you will be amazed by the great level of care, gentleness, love and compassion he showed them. The following collection of hadiths highlight glimpses of his guidance in this regard:

She Deserves the BEST Treatment

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1. Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character. And the best of you are those who are best to their women.”(At-Tirmidhi and authenticated by Al-Albani)

2. Ibn `Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"The best among you is the best towards his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives." (Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani)

3. Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said :

"A believer must not hate a believing woman (i.e., his wife); if he dislikes one of her traits he will be pleased with another." (Muslim)

4. `Abdullah ibn `Amr ibn Al-`As (May Allah be pleased with them) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"The world is but a (quick passing) enjoyment; and the best enjoyment of the world is (to have) a pious wife." (Muslim)

Express Your Love

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5. Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) was asked, 'O Messenger of Allah, which of the people is most beloved to you?'

He answered: "`A’ishah.”

He was asked, 'And among men?'

He said: 'Her father.' (Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani)

6. `A'ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said, “Never did I feel jealous of any of the wives of the Prophet except for Khadijah, although I have never seen her.”

She added, “When Allah's Messenger slaughtered a sheep, he said: Send it to the friends of Khadijah.”

One day `A'ishah mentioned Khadijah in a way that made the Prophet upset. He told `A’ishah, “I have been granted her love (by Allah)”.

Render Love into Deeds

7. `A’ishah  (may Allah be pleased with her) reported that the Messenger of Allah would give her a vessel to drink, when she was menstruating, then he would look for the spot where she had put her lips on and put his lips on the same spot. (An-Nasa’i and authenticated by Al-Albani)

8. Anas narrated that the Prophet had a Persian neighbor who was good in cooking soup. One day he prepared some soup and invited the Prophet to it. `A’ishah was present so the Prophet suggested to the neighbor that she should join them. The neighbor refused to include her in the invitation. The Prophet, therefore, declined the invitation.

The Persian repeated the exclusive invitation for the Prophet who, once again, declined the invitation.

In the third attempt, the Persian neighbor invited both the Prophet and his wife, `A’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her). Then, the Prophet accepted his invitation and went with `A’ishah to the man’s house. (Muslim)

9. Al-Aswad asked `A’ishah about what the Prophet used to do at home. She replied. "He used to serve his household but when it was time for the prayer, he would get up for prayer." (Al-Bukhari)

Have Fun with Her

10. `A’ishah reported that she accompanied the Prophet in a travel when she was still slim. The Prophet told people to move forward and then he asked `A’ishah to race with him. They had a race and `A’ishah won.

In a later travel, when `A’ishah had forgotten the race and had already gained weight, the Prophet told her to race with him again. She declined, “How can I race with you while I am in such a condition?” The Prophet insisted and they did have a race. The Prophet won this time. He laughed then and said, “tit for tat”. (Authenticated by Al-Albani)

11. `A’isha reported:

It was the day of `Eid and some Ethiopians were playing with shields and spears. Either I requested Allah's Messenger or he himself asked me whether I would like to see the display. I replied in the affirmative. Then he let me stand behind him; my cheek was touching his cheek and he was saying, "Carry on, O Bani Arfida (i.e., Ethiopians)!" When I got tired, he asked me if that was enough. I replied in the affirmative and he told me to leave. (Al-Bukhari)

Love that Transcends Time

12. Anas ibn Malik (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that when something was brought to the Prophet, he would say, “Take it to so-and-so because she was a friend of Khadijah (his deceased wife)…” (Authenticated by Al-Albani)

13. `A’ishash (may Allah be pleased with her) reported:

Once, Halah bint Khuwailid (the sister of the Prophet’s first wife, Khadijah) sought permission to enter. The Prophet recognized and recalled the manner of Khadijah when she sought permission to enter. So, he was deeply moved and said, "O Allah, may she be Halah bint Khuwailid!" (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)